I don’t eat much fast food, and Taco Bell is my last resort when I do.

I’ve only ever eaten there a few times. Once for a free taco when the San Francisco Giants won the Word Series and everyone in the Bay Area was eligible for a freebie, and a couple times on road trips. It’s not my bag.

OK, before you get all up in my soup, I’m no stranger to fast food. I grew up off of Northern Boulevard in Flushing, Queens, near a Wetson’s (a burger joint), a Burger King, a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Nathan’s. There was also a Kentucky Fried Chicken not far from us. My Dad loved all those places, and we’d stop in now and then as a treat. It’s funny how we considered those things treats, and not what my Mom cooked every day: real food with known, quality ingredients.

So, now as then, we have fast food as an occasional splurge.

Enter the Taco Bell Breakfast Crunchwrap, stage left.

I was out and about at an unearthly hour the other day and wanted to grab something. I recalled that a friend said the sausage Crunchwraps are quite good. Given that I was near a Taco Bell, and it was on my side of the street, and McDonald’s and BK were far-flung, I figured I’d give it a shot.

I have to admit it was good. Clearly freshly-made. It arrived looking like a pinwheel kind of affair, and was crispy on the griddled side. The thing had some heft, too.

There was scrambled egg, cheese, a hash brown patty (fast food chains love to bulk things up with cheap starches these days), a sausage patty and a couple of other unidentifiable bits. But it was hot, and the cheese was creamy, and that hash brown beast was crispy, and the sausage patty was savory, and I was really hungry. Even the egg part was decent. Soft and not rubbery.

I enjoyed it greatly. I can see why people love them. It’s like all your breakfast favorites just left a 1980s party after having snorted a couple lines and decided to form a Crunchwrap.

That flavor profile is way too amped up to occur in nature.

You think you’re eating scrambled eggs with salt and maybe a little oil, but here’s what the egg part is made up of, according to the Taco Bell website:  “Cage-free whole eggs, soybean oil, salt, citric acid, pepper, flavor (sunflower oil, flavors), xanthan gum, guar gum. Contains: Egg [certified vegetarian].”

What are “flavors?” I know what “natural flavor” on a label means, and it’s always natural.

Consider the Creamy Jalapeno Sauce that comes standard on this Crunchwrap model: “Soybean oil, water, vinegar, jalapeno peppers, buttermilk, cage-free egg yolk, dextrose, chili pepper, contains 1% or less of spices, onion powder, garlic powder, minced onion, cocoa powder, paprika (VC), sugar, salt, natural flavor, modified food starch, xanthan gum, propylene glycol alginate, lactic acid, disodium inosinate & guanylate, citric acid, sorbic acid, glucono delta-lactone, potassium sorbate and sodium benzoate (P), calcium disodium EDTA (PF). Contains: Eggs, Milk. [certified vegetarian].”

It’s sad that mass food operations spend so much time and effort generating flavor compounds. I understand that this level of production requires preservatives and stabilizers, things like that, but all this flavor enhancement to make food addictive and to save money? 
Shameful.

Here’s what I’m thinking now: I enjoy a Whopper at Christmas because it reminds me of when I had them as a kid in Queens. Now I’m afraid to look at the ingredient list. 

OK, I looked. Whew! The Whopper patty is 100% ground beef and the roll is not too bad. It has high fructose corn syrup, sadly, and one or two other oddball things, but it’s no worse than cheap, mass-produced white bread. There’s no proprietary sauce on a Whopper, just mayo and ketchup, so that bullet was dodged. 

I’m happy my tradition does not involve the BK Crispy Chicken Sandwich. Don’t even look.